On Saturday We'll Have Been Together 17 Months

Bored In Etymology

Hey guys,
So I'm pretty bored. I'm sitting in the computer lab at my school because my Etymology class is supposed to be picking a topic for our end of the year project. I've picked mine. I'm going to do my project on Tolkien's language in The Lord of The Rings. Nifty isn't it. =D LOL. But I'm not really wanting to work, so I'm wasting time here. I'm good at that. Procrastination is the name of my game. Today's been an interesting day, it's all gone by pretty fast. Gold days always seem to go faster than Black. Probably because I only have ICP, English, Etymology, and Study Hall. I love Gold Days. And today at lunch I had french fries! =D I heart french fries. LOL. Can you tell I'm bored? Yeah, I'm sure you can. -Sigh- I should probably get to work.
Later Gators.
*Ash Nay*

Just Stuff.

Okay, so, at the request of my dear friend Strohs, I'm going to blog about something happy, since it seems I've only been blogging when upset. 

This past weekend I did the Walk MS and raised about $365 dollars. It was an absolute blast, I had a great time and plan on making it a yearly thing. I can't wait for next year! =D

Then this upcoming weekend is my birthday! We're driving out of town to stay in a hotel for the weekend, just me, my mom, 5 of my friends, and quite possibly my Aunt T! =) I'm INSANELY excited. I can barely contain my joy and I just want the next two days to go by faster, meaning of course that they'll just slow down even more just to spite me. LOL. But oh well. I just REALLY want this birthday to go well for once. I want to have an incredible time and forget all the bullshit that I've had to deal with lately. I can't wait! -Sigh- Cross your fingers for me, I want this weekend to go well! 

*Ash Nay*

P.S. Happy enough for you big sis? LOL!  

WHY!?!?!

Why are you not here for me even though I've always been there for you!? 

Why does nothing ever go right for more than a few hours? 

Why did you have to leave town now?

Why are you such an asshole? 

Why did I let myself become so attached to you?

Why can't I help her!?

Why does SHE have to be sick? I'll take it! Just make her better, I'll cough for her! 

Why, after all the times I've put plans aside to help everyone else, am I always alone when I need help?

Why do I have night terrors? 

Why does no one really understand? 

Why does Spring Break always go wrong?!? 

Why ME!?! 

Why? 

*Ash Nay*

Realizations

I'll always get blamed for things that in reality are completely out of my control.

I'll always take the blame.

I'll always be the one that parents claim to be a bad influence, when in reality I'm better for their child than they are. 

I'll always put other people's pain before my own, no matter what. 

I'll always hate being picked on for my size. 

I'll always put the theatre before my school work.

I'll always fail my classes. 

I'll always flinch whenever he gets mad and starts hitting stuff. 

I'll always worry about them. 

I'll always put them before anyone or anything. 

I'll never be able to do anything that I know she'd take as a betrayal. So I guess I'll never be a "True friend".

I'll always let her sleep with me if she's sick or has had a bad dream. 

I'm terrified of losing her. 

I'm a better person with her in my life. 

I'll always love him more than I've ever loved anything. 

I'll never fully like myself. 

I'll always feel like a failure. 

I'll always be loyal to those I love. 

I'll never have a good relationship with him. 

I'm terrified of being alone. 

I'll always care too much about what others think. 

I'm nowhere near as strong as I pretend to be. 

I'm not sure I could live without her, now that I have her. 

I'm afraid that my dreams won't come true. 

I want to be someone's reason for living. 

I don't deserve him. 

I can't tell them no. 

I never get the credit I deserve. 

I'll always be seen as a kid to them. 

I hate homework. 

If she kills herself, I'll blame myself.

I miss him. 

I want to cry every time I see him with my replacement. 

I hate him for not missing me too. 

I died a little when she said he called her his Grace. 

I can't go a day without screwing up. 

I speak before I think sometimes. 

I'm far too empathetic. 

I'm scared that she only thinks she loves me, because I'm all she has.

I love her with all I have, she's my best friend. 

I'm stupid, selfish, and stubborn. 

I don't know what I did to be lucky enough to have them in my life. 

I'm scared that I annoy them. 

I want freedom, but am terrified to leave the only home I've ever known. 

I want the night terrors to stop. 

I'd take her pain in a heartbeat. 

I'd die for any of them. 

I want to save him, he claims I already have, but it was him that saved me. 

I miss the simplicity of being a child. 

I crave the freedom of adulthood. 

I'm tired of people thinking I have it all. 

I'm not perfect. 

I'm not fond of the way I look. 

I'm not always right. (Although I know someone who claims to be) 

I can't write anymore. 

I don't know what he sees in me. 

I know she'll never understand me. 

I do miss and love her. 

I'm tired of always getting sick. 

I hate going to sleep at night. 

I doubt anyone will read this. 

And most important of all, I will ALWAYS put them first, because in my eyes, I don't matter without them. I'll do whatever it takes to be there for those I love. No matter what I'm going through. I will move heaven and earth to help them, talk to them, calm them, or let them cry on my shoulder. I'll always be there for them to scream at, complain to, cry in front of, run to. I'll do whatever I can to help them, save them, care for them. Their problems will always be more important than my own. And nothing could EVER change that or the way I feel about it. But they WON'T always be there for me. Because at times, they will do what I won't and put themselves first. There will be many more nights of crying myself to sleep and I'll always feel somewhat alone, even if I'm surrounded by a crowd of people. It doesn't mean they don't love me. They do.  And it doesn't mean that they won't be there later. They always eventually are. They're stronger than me. But I can take care of myself. And at the end of the day...

I WILL be okay. 

*Ash Nay*

Blessings. Random Thoughts. Rambling.

-Sigh- 

I'm sick. Like really sick! I'm not dying or anything, but I certainly feel like I am. I'm very immune compromise to begin with, and I caught Mono. The virus is crashing my system and making life very difficult for me. I'm extremely weak and tired all the time, the smallest things will wipe me out for the entire day. My throat is VERY soar. Not as bad as it was when I first got sick, because I'm on a lot of medication right now, but it's still pretty bad. I'm congested and it's hard to breath. 

But the worst part of all of it, is the massive feeling of helplessness. I'm not the kind of person that likes to ask for help. I'm very independent and I hate feeling as if I'm a burden on someone. I have a fear of pushing those I love away or being so annoying that they can't stand me. So I do everything I can to help them and take care of myself. Because I'll always be there for them, but what if one day they aren't there for me? It's a thought that terrifies me and now that I'm sick... I can't do things. Everyone around me, especially Peter Pan, has been having to do SO much! And I feel so guilty and scared! I don't want to make him feel like my slave and I don't want him, or anyone else, to worry about me before themselves. I just want to be better!!! I hate feeling like this! The doctors expect me to be sick for 6-8 weeks. That's my Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family and friends get to party and rejoice, but I'll be like a pale, weak, vegetable on the couch off to the side. Happy Holidays to me. 

-Rolls Eyes- I know it seems like all I'm doing is ranting and complaining, but I've been having a really hard time with this and I needed to get everything written down. I know that really no one reads it. It'll be a few days, if not a week or two, before PP even notices it's here. So it's a good tool to get my thoughts out now while they're bothering me. Besides, if anyone does see it it'll be Terey, and I've never been afraid to rant to her anyway. LOL. 

Speaking of Terey, if there's one good thing that's come out of my getting so sick, it's the realizations I've come to while I've been sick. (I've had a lot of time to think and observe.) And the conclusion I've come to, is that I'm insanely blessed! I'm not a normal teenager by any means. I'm far more mature than the average 15 year old and I see the world in a very different way. It's because of these things that I've mainly strayed off on my own over the last year or so. The friends that I use to revolve my life around, are barely anything more than another person in the hallway. I have very few friends at school. But I'm okay with that. Because I have something that's so much more important to me than high school friendships that will slowly die away in about 3 years. I have a family. A support system backing me up every step of the way. BEST Friends that honestly care about me, love me, protect me, watch out for me, and help me with every small challenge or problem. 

Kelly Kozar, I love you with all my heart! You're the best friend that I've been searching for and wanting for a long time! I refer to her as my mom, because as much as I love my own mom, if there was one person in the world that I know could take care of me as well as she does, It's Kelly! She's there for me, anytime I need her. She loves me and cares for me and worries about me. We can talk all day and night about anything , everything, and nothing. We're so much alike that I don't have to worry about her not understanding, she gets me immediately. She doesn't judge me or lecture me, she just accepts me and loves me. When I first got sick, my mom was in Jamaica, and I was so scared and alone. Crying all the time and so sick I would have welcomed death. But I got through it BECAUSE I had Kelly. She lives thousands of miles away, yet she was right there. She made sure I was okay, kept me company, and took care of me. I don't know what I would have done without her, but I do know, that I'll never let her go. 

Linda Wisdom, My... well, actually I look at her as my angel. My guardian angel. She was my imaginary helper. LOL. Because although she couldn't actually be there to help me while I was sick, she told me to use my imagination, so that she would be right there taking care of me. Bringing me soup, hugs, and fussing with my covers. =) And it helped so much to just close my eyes and get lost in day dreams of her making sure I'm okay. I love my devoted Aunt. =) My day isn't the same if I don't talk to her at least once. She keeps me going.

Terey Ramin, My laughter! This woman accomplished the impossible. LOL. Because while I was pathetic and on my death bed, she still made me crack my ass up and made me smile so big! I swear, it doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel at the time, she can make my day! But it's not just that she makes me laugh, she's also SOOO easy to talk to. It's effortless. Whether I'm messaging her about something as important as the cops braking up my party, or something as random and insignificant as the fact that I just spilled coffee down my shirt, we can talk about it for hours. LOL. 

And last but CERTAINLY not least, is the most important of them all, Peter Pan. He's the love of my life. -Sigh- Yes I realize I'm only 15 and the chance of actually meeting your soul mate so young is slim to none. I realize that the majority of high school relationships don't last, etc, etc. But all you have to do is spend an hour in the same room with us and I guarantee you'll see it. He's everything I want! I don't need ANYTHING as long as I have him. He took SUCH good care of me! He brought me soup and popsicles. Made me bowls of my favorite ice cream, made sure I took my medicine, held me while I cried, and sat on the phone with me after a bad night terror so that I wouldn't feel quite so alone and scared, Then the minute he could he ran to my side. He protects me and loves me with an intensity that fills us both. When he smiles, his eyes glow and his cheeks brighten and I melt into a puddle so thick you'd soak your shoes. He's my reason for waking up each morning and he's the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep. 

These are my friends, my family, my support system, my cheerleaders. They're the ones I can count on. And in two years when I finally escape this small town hell, they'll still be in my life. I don't question that one bit. I've lost a lot of people and gone through a lot this past year or so. So much has happened that I regret. I would take so much back if I could, starting with that night Spring Break... because that's when everything really started. The people that were once the only ones that mattered... aren't there anymore. But I'm NOT alone. I have an incredible group of people cheering me on. I can count on them for anything and know I'll be okay. I love them with every ounce of me and I'd travel to the end of the Earth for them. I just hope they know how much they mean to me. 

They're my blessings. 

*Ash Nay*

Complaints Of A Teenage Drama Queen

LMAO, Okay so I know we said that we would be posting every other day, but frankly, I never saw that happening. =) PP and I have extremely crazy schedules and with theatre practice, school, writing, etc. Things are insane. Well... plus I live on Myspace so, yeah. LOL. But the point is, I haven't blogged in like a month and that's REALLY sad! I just... I feel like there's nothing I can really talk about. I mean, I originally thought of this as away to get out my feelings and emotions, but there apparently isn't much that I need to say. ...Okay that's bull, let's say, there just isn't much I need to say online where ANYONE can read it! ...Some people already don't like me. LOL. 

Anyhoo, I've been pretty out of it lately. Stress tends to get to me easily. I put myself under a hell of a lot of pressure and I freak out when things begin to go  just the littlest bit south. I never quite know how to handle things so I try to push it all towards the back of my mind. But sometimes I just can't. About once a month I start to lose it. I just can't help it. I start to lose control, feel the need to scream at the top of my lungs, and I feel suffocated. Like all the walls around me are just moving in closer and closer intent on squishing me down into paper. 

I have so many dreams. Dreams that someday, are all that gets me through. I know what I want, I know that I can be great if given the opportunity, but I'm terrified that I'll screw up before truly given the chance. My grades -Groan- are my biggest issue. Every time I feel that things are getting easier and better, they get worse again. This is the first year that I've ever passed Math. I'm working my ass off and doing so well. But now I'm failing Journalism, a class that is so easy for me, it's crazy! So why CAN'T I PASS!?!?!? Then there's Health, the easiest class in history, but what do I have? An F! And why? Homework. The answer to all my life's problems. I suck at getting my homework done. I forget, or don't write down the assignment, or decide that I'll do it tomorrow. Of course I never do. 

So now I'm failing, panicking, worrying, making myself restless and sick. And even worse, I'm bringing those I love down with me. Awesome huh?

-Sigh-

*Ash Nay*