Sunday, March 15, 2009


I'll always get blamed for things that in reality are completely out of my control.
I'll always take the blame.
I'll always be the one that parents claim to be a bad influence, when in reality I'm better for their child than they are. 
I'll always put other people's pain before my own, no matter what. 
I'll always hate being picked on for my size. 
I'll always put the theatre before my school work.
I'll always fail my classes. 
I'll always flinch whenever he gets mad and starts hitting stuff. 
I'll always worry about them. 
I'll always put them before anyone or anything. 
I'll never be able to do anything that I know she'd take as a betrayal. So I guess I'll never be a "True friend".
I'll always let her sleep with me if she's sick or has had a bad dream. 
I'm terrified of losing her. 
I'm a better person with her in my life. 
I'll always love him more than I've ever loved anything. 
I'll never fully like myself. 
I'll always feel like a failure. 
I'll always be loyal to those I love. 
I'll never have a good relationship with him. 
I'm terrified of being alone. 
I'll always care too much about what others think. 
I'm nowhere near as strong as I pretend to be. 
I'm not sure I could live without her, now that I have her. 
I'm afraid that my dreams won't come true. 
I want to be someone's reason for living. 
I don't deserve him. 
I can't tell them no. 
I never get the credit I deserve. 
I'll always be seen as a kid to them. 
I hate homework. 
If she kills herself, I'll blame myself.
I miss him. 
I want to cry every time I see him with my replacement. 
I hate him for not missing me too. 
I died a little when she said he called her his Grace. 
I can't go a day without screwing up. 
I speak before I think sometimes. 
I'm far too empathetic. 
I'm scared that she only thinks she loves me, because I'm all she has.
I love her with all I have, she's my best friend. 
I'm stupid, selfish, and stubborn. 
I don't know what I did to be lucky enough to have them in my life. 
I'm scared that I annoy them. 
I want freedom, but am terrified to leave the only home I've ever known. 
I want the night terrors to stop. 
I'd take her pain in a heartbeat. 
I'd die for any of them. 
I want to save him, he claims I already have, but it was him that saved me. 
I miss the simplicity of being a child. 
I crave the freedom of adulthood. 
I'm tired of people thinking I have it all. 
I'm not perfect. 
I'm not fond of the way I look. 
I'm not always right. (Although I know someone who claims to be) 
I can't write anymore. 
I don't know what he sees in me. 
I know she'll never understand me. 
I do miss and love her. 
I'm tired of always getting sick. 
I hate going to sleep at night. 
I doubt anyone will read this. 
And most important of all, I will ALWAYS put them first, because in my eyes, I don't matter without them. I'll do whatever it takes to be there for those I love. No matter what I'm going through. I will move heaven and earth to help them, talk to them, calm them, or let them cry on my shoulder. I'll always be there for them to scream at, complain to, cry in front of, run to. I'll do whatever I can to help them, save them, care for them. Their problems will always be more important than my own. And nothing could EVER change that or the way I feel about it. But they WON'T always be there for me. Because at times, they will do what I won't and put themselves first. There will be many more nights of crying myself to sleep and I'll always feel somewhat alone, even if I'm surrounded by a crowd of people. It doesn't mean they don't love me. They do.  And it doesn't mean that they won't be there later. They always eventually are. They're stronger than me. But I can take care of myself. And at the end of the day...
I WILL be okay. 

*Ash Nay*