Monday, November 10, 2008

Blessings. Random Thoughts. Rambling.

I'm sick. Like really sick! I'm not dying or anything, but I certainly feel like I am. I'm very immune compromise to begin with, and I caught Mono. The virus is crashing my system and making life very difficult for me. I'm extremely weak and tired all the time, the smallest things will wipe me out for the entire day. My throat is VERY soar. Not as bad as it was when I first got sick, because I'm on a lot of medication right now, but it's still pretty bad. I'm congested and it's hard to breath. 
But the worst part of all of it, is the massive feeling of helplessness. I'm not the kind of person that likes to ask for help. I'm very independent and I hate feeling as if I'm a burden on someone. I have a fear of pushing those I love away or being so annoying that they can't stand me. So I do everything I can to help them and take care of myself. Because I'll always be there for them, but what if one day they aren't there for me? It's a thought that terrifies me and now that I'm sick... I can't do things. Everyone around me, especially Peter Pan, has been having to do SO much! And I feel so guilty and scared! I don't want to make him feel like my slave and I don't want him, or anyone else, to worry about me before themselves. I just want to be better!!! I hate feeling like this! The doctors expect me to be sick for 6-8 weeks. That's my Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family and friends get to party and rejoice, but I'll be like a pale, weak, vegetable on the couch off to the side. Happy Holidays to me. 
-Rolls Eyes- I know it seems like all I'm doing is ranting and complaining, but I've been having a really hard time with this and I needed to get everything written down. I know that really no one reads it. It'll be a few days, if not a week or two, before PP even notices it's here. So it's a good tool to get my thoughts out now while they're bothering me. Besides, if anyone does see it it'll be Terey, and I've never been afraid to rant to her anyway. LOL. 
Speaking of Terey, if there's one good thing that's come out of my getting so sick, it's the realizations I've come to while I've been sick. (I've had a lot of time to think and observe.) And the conclusion I've come to, is that I'm insanely blessed! I'm not a normal teenager by any means. I'm far more mature than the average 15 year old and I see the world in a very different way. It's because of these things that I've mainly strayed off on my own over the last year or so. The friends that I use to revolve my life around, are barely anything more than another person in the hallway. I have very few friends at school. But I'm okay with that. Because I have something that's so much more important to me than high school friendships that will slowly die away in about 3 years. I have a family. A support system backing me up every step of the way. BEST Friends that honestly care about me, love me, protect me, watch out for me, and help me with every small challenge or problem. 
Kelly Kozar, I love you with all my heart! You're the best friend that I've been searching for and wanting for a long time! I refer to her as my mom, because as much as I love my own mom, if there was one person in the world that I know could take care of me as well as she does, It's Kelly! She's there for me, anytime I need her. She loves me and cares for me and worries about me. We can talk all day and night about anything , everything, and nothing. We're so much alike that I don't have to worry about her not understanding, she gets me immediately. She doesn't judge me or lecture me, she just accepts me and loves me. When I first got sick, my mom was in Jamaica, and I was so scared and alone. Crying all the time and so sick I would have welcomed death. But I got through it BECAUSE I had Kelly. She lives thousands of miles away, yet she was right there. She made sure I was okay, kept me company, and took care of me. I don't know what I would have done without her, but I do know, that I'll never let her go. 
Linda Wisdom, My... well, actually I look at her as my angel. My guardian angel. She was my imaginary helper. LOL. Because although she couldn't actually be there to help me while I was sick, she told me to use my imagination, so that she would be right there taking care of me. Bringing me soup, hugs, and fussing with my covers. =) And it helped so much to just close my eyes and get lost in day dreams of her making sure I'm okay. I love my devoted Aunt. =) My day isn't the same if I don't talk to her at least once. She keeps me going.
Terey Ramin, My laughter! This woman accomplished the impossible. LOL. Because while I was pathetic and on my death bed, she still made me crack my ass up and made me smile so big! I swear, it doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel at the time, she can make my day! But it's not just that she makes me laugh, she's also SOOO easy to talk to. It's effortless. Whether I'm messaging her about something as important as the cops braking up my party, or something as random and insignificant as the fact that I just spilled coffee down my shirt, we can talk about it for hours. LOL. 
And last but CERTAINLY not least, is the most important of them all, Peter Pan. He's the love of my life. -Sigh- Yes I realize I'm only 15 and the chance of actually meeting your soul mate so young is slim to none. I realize that the majority of high school relationships don't last, etc, etc. But all you have to do is spend an hour in the same room with us and I guarantee you'll see it. He's everything I want! I don't need ANYTHING as long as I have him. He took SUCH good care of me! He brought me soup and popsicles. Made me bowls of my favorite ice cream, made sure I took my medicine, held me while I cried, and sat on the phone with me after a bad night terror so that I wouldn't feel quite so alone and scared, Then the minute he could he ran to my side. He protects me and loves me with an intensity that fills us both. When he smiles, his eyes glow and his cheeks brighten and I melt into a puddle so thick you'd soak your shoes. He's my reason for waking up each morning and he's the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep. 
These are my friends, my family, my support system, my cheerleaders. They're the ones I can count on. And in two years when I finally escape this small town hell, they'll still be in my life. I don't question that one bit. I've lost a lot of people and gone through a lot this past year or so. So much has happened that I regret. I would take so much back if I could, starting with that night Spring Break... because that's when everything really started. The people that were once the only ones that mattered... aren't there anymore. But I'm NOT alone. I have an incredible group of people cheering me on. I can count on them for anything and know I'll be okay. I love them with every ounce of me and I'd travel to the end of the Earth for them. I just hope they know how much they mean to me. 
They're my blessings. 

*Ash Nay*

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Complaints Of A Teenage Drama Queen

LMAO, Okay so I know we said that we would be posting every other day, but frankly, I never saw that happening. =) PP and I have extremely crazy schedules and with theatre practice, school, writing, etc. Things are insane. Well... plus I live on Myspace so, yeah. LOL. But the point is, I haven't blogged in like a month and that's REALLY sad! I just... I feel like there's nothing I can really talk about. I mean, I originally thought of this as away to get out my feelings and emotions, but there apparently isn't much that I need to say. ...Okay that's bull, let's say, there just isn't much I need to say online where ANYONE can read it! ...Some people already don't like me. LOL. 
Anyhoo, I've been pretty out of it lately. Stress tends to get to me easily. I put myself under a hell of a lot of pressure and I freak out when things begin to go  just the littlest bit south. I never quite know how to handle things so I try to push it all towards the back of my mind. But sometimes I just can't. About once a month I start to lose it. I just can't help it. I start to lose control, feel the need to scream at the top of my lungs, and I feel suffocated. Like all the walls around me are just moving in closer and closer intent on squishing me down into paper. 
I have so many dreams. Dreams that someday, are all that gets me through. I know what I want, I know that I can be great if given the opportunity, but I'm terrified that I'll screw up before truly given the chance. My grades -Groan- are my biggest issue. Every time I feel that things are getting easier and better, they get worse again. This is the first year that I've ever passed Math. I'm working my ass off and doing so well. But now I'm failing Journalism, a class that is so easy for me, it's crazy! So why CAN'T I PASS!?!?!? Then there's Health, the easiest class in history, but what do I have? An F! And why? Homework. The answer to all my life's problems. I suck at getting my homework done. I forget, or don't write down the assignment, or decide that I'll do it tomorrow. Of course I never do. 
So now I'm failing, panicking, worrying, making myself restless and sick. And even worse, I'm bringing those I love down with me. Awesome huh?

*Ash Nay*

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Saturday, October 4, 2008


So Since I've Started To Read Nonstop and Have Random Book Ideas I Think I Would Actually Like A Writing Career. I Mean, Stephanie Myers, twilight series made me cry. If someone can put that much emotion and feeling into a book, and it touch people like it touched me deep down; I want to be a writer! If iI could do that i would want nothing more than to give that back for a change. I don't think I could be half the writers my two aunts or Ashley is but I could try. "I wanna Turn!" :( LOL, Just Kidding All Of You Are Amazing and You Three Are My Idol and Make Me Want To Get Up In The Morning.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Leader Of The Pack

   Ok, so I absolutely love wolves! We had a journal question in English today that was, If you could start your life over and be re-born as another person or animal, who would you be and why?
My response was of course a wolf. Then we read a story and there was a Siberian Husky in it, I want a Siberian Husky so BAD! They are so close in resemblance to the Wolf and they're the most beautiful animals on the planet. I hate that some people stereo type them as evil killing machines. It's animalistic nature to be territorial and if you were migrated to foreign land or suburbia, you'd be scared shitless too. I don;t know why  this animal calls out to me so much, but I absolutely love them and they even follow me as far as to my dreams. 
Just the other day I had this dream that I couldn't seem to escape. It started when I fell asleep in class, but I just kept falling asleep back into the same dream every period. I was a Native American of some kind and I kept running from this white wolf. I ran into this cave that opened up at the top about 20 feet up, there was shoulder high freezing water covering the floor of the cave, and a wooden base that looked like a lookout post in an old Cowboys and Indians movie, it stood about six feet out of the water. Cold mist skimmed the water top and the wolf was coming across it, somehow walking on water in a way. The paws weren't on top of the water but it walked across as if it was a very shallow puddle. The massive beast leapt for me and then...
-The bell rang-
I went to the next class and then gently floated back into the night. This time I was the white wolf, only, in a different scene. I was in an open forest, much like the one in Narnia, It was also frozen and snow covered the ground. This time I was ripping apart the dead carcass of another wolf, or maybe it was a coyote. I was eating it as it laid there on the puddle of it's own red blood. It was weird really. This dead animal seemed like it had a strong hold on me, almost as if he were my brother...
ROFLMAO! That actually DOES make them seem as if they're wild and vicious animals, but if you want to know the truth, look in their eyes. You'll find your self wondering into a world of survival and beauty. WOW! Am I a dork or what? LOL, and on top of that, I think in some past life or fantasy I might have been a werewolf. Yes, that's right, even bigger dork. How about you folks? If anyone even reads this, do you have any interesting dreams or pulls towards something that is unexplainable?

~Peter Pan~

Monday, September 8, 2008

Nothing Much To Say...

Hey everybody. =) I'm actually really excited about the idea of Peter Pan and I blogging! I mean, why not? We're teenagers so it's not like we don't have anything to say. We basically have opinions about EVERYTHING and boy do we jump at the chance to share them! LOL. We've decided to set it up where we each do a post every other day. That way we can keep up with it, but not have to worry about it everyday. Although to be perfectly honest, I can see it being hard to do every other day as well. PP and I aren't always that grand at keeping up with things. We're award winning procrastinators. LOL. 
Anyways, I've been freaking out all day because I honestly don't know what I want to write. The possibilities are endless, but I'm incredibly brain dead and coming up with nothing. I could talk about myself, but I'm not really in a self absorbed kind of mood. I can complain about high school hell, but I've been working on a new story lately and my main character spends enough time doing that to satisfy the both of us. I could talk about my friends and family... but I don't really have much to say. My two BFF's have both been really busy with their own thing lately. So we haven't had much time to hang. Other than them, my closest friends are adults. LOL. What can I say? I'm just that cool. 
Well... sorry this blog is so boring. I'm not usually this dull. Honestly, I almost ALWAYS have something to say. I guess tonight my thoughts are just too scattered. I'm recovering from being sick, trying to catch up on homework, and I have to have the lines for the next play I'm in memorized by next Friday. Add all that to the fact that my mind is basically consumed in the story I'm writing right now. And all you have left is an empty shell of the bubbly person I usually am. Besides, after having to follow PP's short story down there (See previous post) Can you blame me for not being able to top that? LOL.
So I'm heading back to the hell whole that is French homework. Later Gators.
*Ash Nay*

Sunday, September 7, 2008

A New Point Of View

So me and The Love of My Life, Ashley have decided to start this as a way of keeping track of thoughts and using this as a way to expand our imagination. I personally like the idea of blogging, its entertaining and helps you build your writing skills. I just hope that I can stick to posting everyday. So today I am just going to improv a short story from the top of my head.

Here it goes,

Nothing, but the chirp of a nearby cricket bedded beneath the grass and the hoot of a far off owl. To Jimmy these could be the last memories he holds.

"Jimmy Wake Up!", coming from a peaceful place I snap back to reality.
"Jimmy I Wont Tell You Again, Your Going To Be Late!", the voice echos up the steps and into my bedroom. Realizing that my alarm clock I set for school is now ripped out of the wall and is lying on the other end of my room. I yell back not wanting to upset my mother and hear her complain all morning. "I'm Up!".
Throwing on the clothes lying closest to me I rush downstairs into the bathroom. Frantically brushing my teeth and putting on my flip-flops at the same time.
I get to school only to realize my mom's clock was set fast so now I am early at school, I sit on the bench by the entrance awaiting my friend Alice. Me and Alice have a very, confusing relationship. You see I have known Alice since junior high, and now we cant seem to escape each others presence. I have always found her attractive and very smart but what would she see in me? I mean, I'm tall for my class, slightly overweight, and am very emotional. She has always been into the skinny, short guys with somewhat of a build. So I decided that I need to accept we wont ever become anything more than best friends.
Sometimes I enjoy when I make her current and past boyfriends jealous of how close and how much time we spend together. Her newest boyfriend whom she and the group call, "wheat face", because of his job at the bakery here in town. I personally hate the name, I just call him by his real name, his first name, Duke.
Then I saw her, walking up the side walk In her gorgeous knee high gray dress with black flowers vining their way around her, It had to be Alice. I spotted her walking up the sidewalk towards the front doors. As she swung the door open I instantly smelt her perfume and almost melted at her feet.
"Jimmy are you feeling ok?", she asked with such a voice It would make any guy sweat. Snapping myself out of it just as she repeated my name again I blurted out at the same time she did, " Wha... I mean yes I'm fine."
"Oops, Sorry."
"Oops, Sorry."
We both laughed and the color of her cheeks turned a rosy red and I was sure mine had also.You see me and Alice seem to think a lot alike and we tend to say the same thing often, I love it. Its stupid I know.
"So, are you excited for this weekend, Jimmy?"
My mind drew a blank."This weekend?"
"Yeah Its Halloween Silly remember, the party with the guys and some of my friends?"
"Oh yeah cant wait, what are you going as?" I asked in curiosity.
She needed to say no more, me and her are both in love with Disney movies.
"No Way!" I said in excitement, "I'm going as Aladdin!" I really was.
"Thats weird, so is Wheat Face, that could be awkward, should I tell him to change?"
My mind shouted, "Yes!"
"No its ok, I think Duke doesn't make as near as a good Aladdin as I do! But I dont want him to change his costume."
"Ok." She said with her beautiful crooked smirk and her huge dimples.
I think that trick-or-treating is still really fun even though we are juniors in high school.
"Hi guys!" She said looking over my Shoulder, it was the guys.

-To Be Continued......