Monday, November 10, 2008

Blessings. Random Thoughts. Rambling.

I'm sick. Like really sick! I'm not dying or anything, but I certainly feel like I am. I'm very immune compromise to begin with, and I caught Mono. The virus is crashing my system and making life very difficult for me. I'm extremely weak and tired all the time, the smallest things will wipe me out for the entire day. My throat is VERY soar. Not as bad as it was when I first got sick, because I'm on a lot of medication right now, but it's still pretty bad. I'm congested and it's hard to breath. 
But the worst part of all of it, is the massive feeling of helplessness. I'm not the kind of person that likes to ask for help. I'm very independent and I hate feeling as if I'm a burden on someone. I have a fear of pushing those I love away or being so annoying that they can't stand me. So I do everything I can to help them and take care of myself. Because I'll always be there for them, but what if one day they aren't there for me? It's a thought that terrifies me and now that I'm sick... I can't do things. Everyone around me, especially Peter Pan, has been having to do SO much! And I feel so guilty and scared! I don't want to make him feel like my slave and I don't want him, or anyone else, to worry about me before themselves. I just want to be better!!! I hate feeling like this! The doctors expect me to be sick for 6-8 weeks. That's my Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family and friends get to party and rejoice, but I'll be like a pale, weak, vegetable on the couch off to the side. Happy Holidays to me. 
-Rolls Eyes- I know it seems like all I'm doing is ranting and complaining, but I've been having a really hard time with this and I needed to get everything written down. I know that really no one reads it. It'll be a few days, if not a week or two, before PP even notices it's here. So it's a good tool to get my thoughts out now while they're bothering me. Besides, if anyone does see it it'll be Terey, and I've never been afraid to rant to her anyway. LOL. 
Speaking of Terey, if there's one good thing that's come out of my getting so sick, it's the realizations I've come to while I've been sick. (I've had a lot of time to think and observe.) And the conclusion I've come to, is that I'm insanely blessed! I'm not a normal teenager by any means. I'm far more mature than the average 15 year old and I see the world in a very different way. It's because of these things that I've mainly strayed off on my own over the last year or so. The friends that I use to revolve my life around, are barely anything more than another person in the hallway. I have very few friends at school. But I'm okay with that. Because I have something that's so much more important to me than high school friendships that will slowly die away in about 3 years. I have a family. A support system backing me up every step of the way. BEST Friends that honestly care about me, love me, protect me, watch out for me, and help me with every small challenge or problem. 
Kelly Kozar, I love you with all my heart! You're the best friend that I've been searching for and wanting for a long time! I refer to her as my mom, because as much as I love my own mom, if there was one person in the world that I know could take care of me as well as she does, It's Kelly! She's there for me, anytime I need her. She loves me and cares for me and worries about me. We can talk all day and night about anything , everything, and nothing. We're so much alike that I don't have to worry about her not understanding, she gets me immediately. She doesn't judge me or lecture me, she just accepts me and loves me. When I first got sick, my mom was in Jamaica, and I was so scared and alone. Crying all the time and so sick I would have welcomed death. But I got through it BECAUSE I had Kelly. She lives thousands of miles away, yet she was right there. She made sure I was okay, kept me company, and took care of me. I don't know what I would have done without her, but I do know, that I'll never let her go. 
Linda Wisdom, My... well, actually I look at her as my angel. My guardian angel. She was my imaginary helper. LOL. Because although she couldn't actually be there to help me while I was sick, she told me to use my imagination, so that she would be right there taking care of me. Bringing me soup, hugs, and fussing with my covers. =) And it helped so much to just close my eyes and get lost in day dreams of her making sure I'm okay. I love my devoted Aunt. =) My day isn't the same if I don't talk to her at least once. She keeps me going.
Terey Ramin, My laughter! This woman accomplished the impossible. LOL. Because while I was pathetic and on my death bed, she still made me crack my ass up and made me smile so big! I swear, it doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or how I feel at the time, she can make my day! But it's not just that she makes me laugh, she's also SOOO easy to talk to. It's effortless. Whether I'm messaging her about something as important as the cops braking up my party, or something as random and insignificant as the fact that I just spilled coffee down my shirt, we can talk about it for hours. LOL. 
And last but CERTAINLY not least, is the most important of them all, Peter Pan. He's the love of my life. -Sigh- Yes I realize I'm only 15 and the chance of actually meeting your soul mate so young is slim to none. I realize that the majority of high school relationships don't last, etc, etc. But all you have to do is spend an hour in the same room with us and I guarantee you'll see it. He's everything I want! I don't need ANYTHING as long as I have him. He took SUCH good care of me! He brought me soup and popsicles. Made me bowls of my favorite ice cream, made sure I took my medicine, held me while I cried, and sat on the phone with me after a bad night terror so that I wouldn't feel quite so alone and scared, Then the minute he could he ran to my side. He protects me and loves me with an intensity that fills us both. When he smiles, his eyes glow and his cheeks brighten and I melt into a puddle so thick you'd soak your shoes. He's my reason for waking up each morning and he's the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep. 
These are my friends, my family, my support system, my cheerleaders. They're the ones I can count on. And in two years when I finally escape this small town hell, they'll still be in my life. I don't question that one bit. I've lost a lot of people and gone through a lot this past year or so. So much has happened that I regret. I would take so much back if I could, starting with that night Spring Break... because that's when everything really started. The people that were once the only ones that mattered... aren't there anymore. But I'm NOT alone. I have an incredible group of people cheering me on. I can count on them for anything and know I'll be okay. I love them with every ounce of me and I'd travel to the end of the Earth for them. I just hope they know how much they mean to me. 
They're my blessings. 

*Ash Nay*

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